Article 3062 of fa.future-culture:
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From: ahawks@nyx.cs.du.edu (non-carbonated)
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Subject: isn't this where we came in
To: future@nyx.cs.du.edu (FutureCulture)
Original-Date: Sun, 7 Mar 93 18:58:22 MST
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Organization: Internet mailing list
Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1993 02:03:45 GMT
Message-ID: <1993.66.020345.13348@ifi.uio.no>

it hurts

anyone who's ever loved the net, loved all that is, inevitably comes
across those points in the cyclic delicate balance of things where you
feel an incredible loss, like finding out a family member will be in a
coma for the rest of their life.  the person is there, but not there.

i had such an experience with the net last nite.  i was with a friend
of mine, it was a typical hangout on irc on #leri, the channel i'm on
most.  i was showing my friend the basics of irc and stuph, and then
soon after, she was addicted, you could see it in her eyes.  she was
hunched over the keyboard, focusing everything on the blue text of my
monitor here.  she was /msging maybe 3 or 4 people at once and still
talking with everyone else on the channel.  it was typical irchaos.
when i first found irchaos, i panicked and fled, hardcore ("run away!
run away!" holy grail).....yet she stood there strong through it all ,
her first time on irc, her first time in irchaos, and she had
everything all sorted out.

until one point, when irchaos seemed to peak.  someone who wasn't on
the channel /msged her, making some comment about my random IRCNAME of
the day.  the way my aliases are set up, and because of the inevitable
razorblades of chaos, a serious sounding message ("talk to me, i'm
here for you" that sort of thing that is really common on IRC these
daze for some reason, or maybe just the circles i associate with on
it) ended up going to this total stranger....

i've said before, i feel these wires.  i felt it then.  i could see
myself in wherever this total stranger was, receiving this message
"talk to me, i'm here, i'll listen, i care".....a heartfelt tug, and
quickly the invisible walls of cyberspace take over...the anonymity of
the wires prevails, and a subtle but innate feeling of power, the
constructs of patriarchal society become realized in reactions to a
one-line text message on a random computer screen, a message that
is1;11c truly an outgrowth of chaos with no logic or reason to provide
direction. 

at this point i should probably say something about my friend i was
with.  she has been raped, she has been abused, suicidal.  she takes
everything in.  she creates love where there is none, she finds
goodness through any wall of any height.  she is so tuned in to
putting everyone else before herself.  she invented caretaking, not
just as some fucking "psych self-help book of the week" word,
either.... she is caring incarnate, i sometimes feel.  if love had a
name.... 

so, anyway, this total irc stranger pounced on this opportunity of
course, pounced on open arms.  i had seen blatant sexism on the net
before, and in irc in aprticularly.  it quickly became commonplace to
see how people's tones changed when they found out the person they
were talking to was a woman.  that in itself is fairly horrid and
all-too familiar, but it's nothing compared to the traps that some
people have in their cyberspace anonymity walls, as we were sadly
about to find out.  

within 30 seconds, literally, this guy was talking about the size of
his dick, how he couldn't cum, all his sexual frustrations played out
to some anonymous recipient, all because of a one word answer to the
private message "are you a guy or a girl?".  my friend, ever mother
theresa, stayed with it, even when myself and others were telling her
how to ignore this guy.  at one point, she pushed me back when i tried
to grab the keyboard to do an "/ignore msgs" on him.  goodness hurts.

the people on #leri had some basic idea of what was going on, and a
few people were so wonderful by standing by her side, /msging this guy
and telling him to stop it.  the people on #leri obviously don't know
the circumstances of my friend's life, even, and it was so beautiful
to see how people reacted, how they come to the aid of a "irc newbie"
so quickly and easily.  i can't thank enough a couple of people for
this, and i hope you know who you are.  thank you.

at any rate, in context of the feelings i would feel for the next few
hours, everything i have just said is basically moot.  he continued to
msg my friend, and he seemed shocked by these msgs coming from people
on #leri.  

see.

he didn't know.  he didn't know.  he didn't know.  he didn't know who
he was talking to, all that she had been through, all that she had
suffered, all her personality, her emotions, her feelings, her
thoughts.  the wall was high.  he didn't know that certain words he
used reminded her of the guy who raped her.  and he didn't know that
he could stick knives in her heart, and she would find something
positive, unique, and special about him.  and it would be true.

that's what hurts.  he didn't know.  that's what hurts.  he didn't
know the oppression he was invoking by the freedom she was showing
towards him.  maybe that's just more issues fr my friend to work on,
but, we are all human.  we are all individual people, feeling, loving
people. 

his intensions, as far as he was concerned, and as far as he could
search within himself, were good.  he just wanted someone to talk to.
he just wanted someone to be there.   and yet again, my friend became
the dust under the doormat, as far as feeling is concerned.  

he didn't *know*.  he stayed behind his wall, he didn't want to feel
the wires, he wanted to fuck them.  

the net is so beautiful, there are people out there who just want to
fuck the net.  fuck it and leave when they're satisfied.  

i've seen a few of them, these net fuckers.  it's what's so sad, they
don't consciously do it.  they tease the net a bit, games of
infatuation begin from both points of view, and then you can look back
on the whole thing and see a crossroads.  do you love the net, or do
you just want to screw it.  do you give, and how much, or do you just
take and absorb.  you could post more than i do, you could run 5
mailing lists and read 50 and post to 5 Usenet groups regularly and IRC
daily and still fuck the net.  

you know what bothers me.  what pains me.  the power struggles and
structures of certain IRC groups.  like, gee, wow, irony, #cyberpunk.
these bots that auto-op certain eLiTe people, bots that send out
messages that say "you are lame".  hackers that fuck up beautiful
systems for NO FUCKING REASON.  i don't mind hacking at all if it's
give and take, if it's adoration and respect, but i do mind abusive
hacking.

these are walls.  cyberspace too oft seems a double-edged sword, in
that we are given so much freedom to pick and choose and do what we
want with all this information.  you don't even have t step back too
far too see what people's true subconscious and conscious motivations
are.  do they talk to themselves or do they communicate, do they /mode
+o or do they /say things, do they distribute loot in MUDS and stop to
chat or do they just keep questing, do they explore or do they whine,
do they contribute or absorb, what does everyone do with this
"power" of information?  have you ever "put" anything when you ftp? do
you flame or do you offer new ideas and waze of looking.  if someone
asks you for a FAQ, will you give it to them even if you're busy doing
something else?

connection is at minimum a two-way thing.  so if you ask yourself "are
you connected?" , the question is do you share or not.  and are you
comfortable with your "niche" on the net?  

i used to lurk.  i really don;'t understand why i did.  i want that
time back, now.  i want last nite back.  i want to talk to this guy,
tell him to caress these connections he's building (known or unknown),
to watch where he waves his keyboard around.  there's no difference
ultimately between how he acted and going into #nam.vets and saying
"incoming". 

i can't netrip since this happened, i've lost it because there's bad
intentions on the net now.  i guess i have to give a lot more to the
net to be able to reach that state again.  i hope everyone does the
same, because i think it's a beautiful place to be, to feel the wires.

please don't fuck the net
-- 

     andy


Article: 20880 of alt.cyberpunk
Newsgroups: alt.cyberpunk
Path: ifi.uio.no!nntp.uio.no!trane.uninett.no!sunic!pipex!uunet!mnemosyne.cs.du.edu!nyx!ahawks
From: ahawks@nyx.cs.du.edu (andy)
Subject: Face without Eyes:  Thoughts on Idol & alt.cp
Message-ID: <1993Aug16.213331.20337@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>
Sender: usenet@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu (netnews admin account)
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Date: Mon, 16 Aug 93 21:33:31 GMT
Lines: 145

So I'm sitting here asking myself why I still care.

I knew what to expect, it's not too difficult to trace the lineage of
future posts out of unknown chaos following a given event that raises
a pierced eyebrow or two on this newsgroup.  Anyone who's ever been
through a couple "what is cp music", "deckard was a replicant, proof
herein", or "why mondo 2000 bites it" threads can at the very least
guess accurately at the inevitable future discourse.  

The whole digital spectrum of colour never shines brightly on threads
like these, it's always the same tones and hues that rise to dominate.

You have the sheer brainless, a one or two liner [maybe all caps]
boasting (no, that's not a drum machine you hear in the abckground,
it's the poster's arms beating his chest) "IDOL FUCKING WANKER", "IDOL
THIS!" and the dissin' like.  Let's label this inane spirit, this
forever static spark in the wires, we'll call it Ground Zer0.  It's
odd how nothingness, this ground zer0 state, can have two poles, but
it innevitably does.  For every "__<insert popular target here>__
SUCKS!" post, there is one soul out there blinded by his/her own
mirrorshades, tripping over the tracks of the footsteps they follow
with temporary adoration.  

Then of course, at ground .5, you have the people who *reply* to these
static sparks.  Those who choose to pay an attention almost devious in
it's inescapable "duh, move on, get over it" sensibilities. People who
stub their toe against the wall, blame the wall, and make it their
objective to let everyone in the vicinity know the sheer aggression
exhibited by the immovable wall that bludgeoned them without mercy. 

Above the ground, we climb to approach a 3d perspective I'll jsut call
Angle 1.   Herein lies the bulk of the Internet's communiteks [my word
for e-communication forum -- Usenet, Email, Irc, MU*, ytalk, whatever]
-- an INFINITE purgatory where the primordial elements of Air, Fire,
Water, Earth project themselves upon each other in a cyclic frenzy
that reaks of images evoked by a little child's spinning top complete
with an endless spiral engraved on the upperside.  The thoughtful,
emotional, or mindless expressions put forth by Earth and Water may
attempt to douse a bonfire of flames of Fire on Usenet, as the Air
sits by idle in wait.  The flames are fed by man, clouded thought
brings water which pours upon the dry earth, muddying perceivably
solid ground.  The element you may choose may vary with each
nanosecond, but whatever angled-lens you use to view and partake in
the cyclic frenzy, whether wide-angle or specific-zoom, 16mm theatrics
or vanity mirror, we each perceive ourselves and each other refracted,
not reflected, in communication.  It is the Way of the Net --
subjectivity....to define a vorld [virtual world] where "red is green
and yellow white".."what i got in my head you can't buy, steal, or
borrow"....those of us who are living cells in the various organs of
this net.entity seem to find ourselves hustling about, justling
throughout the masses of other cells, each ignorant to each other
unless obstructed by one another or abstracted in trajectory.

Beyond the linear cyclic motion of a single-minded angle in
communicating on the net there is the domain of the Gnowledge of the
Elements.  With more terra firma to grasp than the illusionary
refracted Angle, this gnowledge suggests one udnerstands all aspects
of the discussion itself alongside understanding the discussion of the
discussion.  Where one can seperate the delusion from illusion and
hallucination from machination uf consciousness and conscience.  

To reference myself for a bit, I must point out, for fear others
approach this post with typical subjective single-minded eye, that it
is no accident my words grow and evolve with misted or cloudy imagery,
outside the concrete as i draw nearer to invoking a word i hate to
articulate because not only is it overused and can not possibly be
Understood by people who Understand (noone does, or you wouldn't be
here), but can always be understood by those who understand it in
their own minds which, duh, contributes to the subjctivity of the net,
something i attempt to relinquish more and more with each passing
moment, something i feel should be the goal of every inhabitant and
visitor of cyberspace -> towards the objective, relinquish the
subjective in this new frontier lest we create for ourselves a
homeland limited by our own dimensions of our own minds.  work towards
a *communal* environment, away from the feeling i for one get from the
net which says to me that everyone is jsut ultimately talking with
themselves.  bouncing their own idas off of other people, the people
are there as pawns in the game as the inividual learns and hones
strategies and technique for "discussion"  to the point where *WE* are
not discussing anything but simply going through the learnd motions of
automatons via tried and true mental tasks such that conversation
becomes little more than a series of pre-planned moves and responses.

As an outsider enters the realm of usenet, I think one typically finds
onesself on the other side of the world from the opinion i've expressd
above.  you look at the groups and say "oh, thre's so much discussion
going on here, people are talking and communicating about so many
things, it's conceivably infinite, what a wonderful technology of
which to partake".  that's ignorant bullshit.  the simple truth is, to
rehash what i said above, people talk to themselves on usenet, have no
real desire to converse with you unlss you in some way/shape/form
contribute to, alter, or morph the subjective environmnt thy bring to
the net.  i believe this true for all of cyberspace, though, not just
Usenet or the Internet.  

As ab outsider, Billy Idol came to the net, and whether by himself or
with assistance found the WELL and alt.cp.  It matters not Iota 1 how
he got here, why he came here, what he hoped to accomplish, or what
plans he may have had conceived in his mind.  It is ignorant and just
plain stupid to question his motives.  That he receives more publicity
than *you* do, he is somehow deserving of scrutiny regarding his
motives on the net when at the same time the other 10,000,000 fuckers
here aren't?  Wake Up.  If you do not question your own motivations
for being here and partaking in the net, and if you at the same time
do not question the motives of each and every other single individual
who has evrt one time or another been on the Internet, whether
communicating or not, than you have no real place in which to comment
on, nay judge, Billy Idol's motives and motivation.  

How could I speak to this issue at all without bringing about what
seems to be the Internet's Tao:  "you were a newbie once...to someone
else on the net you are a newbie, and to someone else you are a
net.god and yet you are still just you".....

In my personal opinion (admittedly not humble), the *addiction* to
mindless rebellion and negativity that exists on this group which has
done a lot to dissuade the idea of community development here, has
done an incredible amount of more harm than good.  The attitudes that
prevail or sophomoric at best given a general consensus of over two
years reading and participating in this group.  Not only sophomoric,
but reactionary for the sake of being reactionary.  And to think I
thought the likes of Limbaugh and Newt Gengrich where evil in that
sense, they seem like happy sheep right now....

Do not idolize Billy Idol, do not idolize yourselves, your ideas, your
thoughts, your words, and equally those of whom you converse with
here....Try and be humble, try and see things from the other person's
perspective...Try and forgo the subjectivity....

This group, in my opinion, is severly lacking in insight.  Thus the
title of the post, which also of course ties into Idol....In-sight,
inward, inside, the essence...to find it, i think, you have to search
outward... to do tht, you must ahve open eyes, see al there is to see
from all angles, perspectives, points of view, influences,backgrounds,
and try to understand as best one can the river system in other
people's streams of consciousness....It's when two of those streams
have the opportunity to connect and *stay* connected and still reach
out to oters that progress will be made and something can be
accomplished.

--


_______._.__._.... .    .      .     .  .  . ..._.__.____.... . .andy.


From: ahawks@nyx.cs.du.edu (andy)
Subject: Elektrik Kool-Aid Net.Fiend Sync

        the shit comes down.

I am sitting there, watching TV, watching some kid say something about
"The Toothless Rooster Man is On the Run", acknowledging the
prominence of neologisms and that general:

           They Might Be Dead King Ween Milkmen Missile Giants

weirdness that has it's hands implanted recently on the buttocks of
pop-culture, thinking how it integrates to what has been evident on
the net [ which came first?  unspoken sync <-> singularity? ]

and she's there.  She's not here now, she might read this.  She might
not.  She's on irc, she's there, she's talking, she's messaging, she's
losing me in the balance as i lie back on the matress. I could've been
in a coffin.

I touch her neck.  She seems to cringe, lunges a bit further, lest she
lose herself in the un-balance.  She focuses, her blurry eyes, pupils
diolating i'm sure, on the navy blue and black energies emitted from
the monitor.

Pulsating.  Calling, speaking some death.  Addiction.

            *EveryNetMan* so you are a girl?

            *** Action:  The Id focuses it's erection.

         -> *She* yes....why?

            *EverynetMan* oh...

         -> *She* why?  are you ok?  is something wrong?

            *** Action:  Society regresses 30 years.

            *EveryNetMan* god, my life is crappy today.

         -> *She* oh, no it's not...i'm here...TALK....*HUG*
                  @>--;--'--^--,---

            *** Action:  The Net screams, YOU'RE ALL FUCKING NEUROTIC.

            *** DCC SEND: VirtualPusher <addiction>

i kiss her neck and she cringes, focusing, addicted.

let go of the needle.

i don't feel these wires, i don't fuck these wires, i pimp these
wires.  i push these wires.

She talks of herself, in the flesh, in third person.  i can see the:

          /me thinks of what to say

in her eyes.  in those glazed, diolated, eyes.

She's homeless now.  kicked out, ADDICTION.  serious.

pull the shit together, no not me i'm ok i don't need.......

monitor is all red.  pure blood, vein, needle red.  not black and
blue, pure blood pure red.

panic.  FUCK.  i need that fucking fix right now.  FUCK.  can't see,
no eyes.  no.......

no link on the backup, on the Mac, supply dry, connections broken,

                                               fixless.

-- andy